Set your Soul free

Set your Soul Free

Break the chains that bind you. Let youself be set free!

Woodson

Woodson lovin Mcy D's eggnog shake.

hmmmm part 2

I was at my ma's the other day. She is basically a mom to me. She is great.
We were just sitting there and she was talking about genetics with people in her family.
She asked me if I was born with blue eyes.
I said yes, but I had no idea at all.
I really didnt know. I was like I guess that is something I should know or maybe it is somethign I wish somebody did know.
I just said yes cuz I was like, wow...I want to sound like I know like anyone would know about their genes.
I felt kind of left out of being able to contribute to the conversation so I started saying who I looked like in my bio family, etc.
I needed to feel important.
I needed to feel like I was a part of.
I had realized the last couple days that really wanting to be included just makes it hurt more when you arent.
I really have come to the conclusion not to want that because the more left out I felt, no matter how small, the more important it became to me to be included.
That is probably the most sensitive area in my life where I hurt the most.
When I feel left out, it hurts me deeper than anything does, I think.
It has to stem from being in foster homes as a baby and having so many confusing comments said to me regarding where I belong, or dont belong growing up.
I had completely lost my identity by the time I was 12.
I really had no idea where I fit and I had it in my mind that I didnt fit anywhere.
If anyone tried to get me to fit, it wasnt happening.
I have basically been the same ever since, but I have longed to fit at the same time.
I know it makes no sense at all.
I love my ma and butch a lot. I really have hoped and pray that they love me as their own.
I was at church today and we were turned to Matthew.
The thing that I saw more than anything else was who had who.
In the beginning of Matthew, it lists the whole family tree of Christ.
It is very clear that this person gave birth to this person.
This person had this person.
on and on and on.
They very much knew who they belonged to.
The scriptures make it very clear throughout the entire bible that this is a very importnat part to each character's person.
They always list who their parent was even if they are married.
They always list it all the way sometimes from the seed of Jessee, as they do with Christ.
It is so important to have belonged to someone, to be birthed from them.
They want to know who their mother and father was.
I just kept looking at it going who would I put?
If I had Ann there or I could have Sarah, my name given at birth, who would they put for my parents?
I had no clue.
I guess it could be Eleonor, but she doesnt want that part.
She has made it very clear.
I guess it could be mary, but right now I dont want to go there.
It could be others who played that role for a small part or in an abusive manner.
It could be my ma now.
Would she want that role like that?
Would she really want her name down as the person who was my mom?
I just wasnt sure about anything.
I sat there thinking, why cant things just be clean cut.
Why cant I just know.
I know, dont live in the past.
This isnt the past.
This is the now.
This is a who am I question.
This is a where do I belong question.
This is something I need to figure out because I guess I need to know where I fit.
I need to know where I really belong.
I need to know who God would put in that book if it were me.
Well, just wondering.
You want people in your life that just knows this stuff about you.
Yea, you were this big and were born at this time and had blue eyes, etc.
All I know is that I was a dry birth and was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
That is what my bio mom told me.
I guess that mean it hurts.
I had never heard of a dry birth, but I guess it means that the water broke way before or something and the baby was born dry?
i dont know.
I do know that I was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
I was watching this show called Celebrity REhab yesterday.
It is a show with all these past celebrities who are on drugs and this doctor helps get them clean.
Rod Stewart's son is one of the celebs in treatment.
He is a young guy who just totally has no sense of self.
He said that when he was 11 years old, he was told that he was a waste of egg and sperm and for the rest of his life, he has belived that he is a waste. He started to cry.
I simply said, I had that stuff said to me. I was told that I was never wanted and many other things.
So what do you do with it?
Do you let it go now?
Can you?
Can I?
Are these messages that are deep in the crevices in your brain unable to find their way out because it is sooo deep?
Is it possible to have so many positive messages that it counteracts all the negative?
I have no clue.
I hope so, but then you have to have people really telling you how important you are all the time.
I think you have to have a million I love you's to take away the one I hate you.
I think you ahve to have a million hugs to take away every hit.
Sometimes, Im not sure if the messages go away, but its worth a try.
I wanted it for this kid on celeb rehab?
I guess I wanted him to make it as much as I want to make it.

hmmm!

There has been nothing more importnant to me, I think, thanbeing included.
I really think that has been the single most important thing to me.
I think it stems from just a history of hearing from my bio mo and others that I just wasnt a part of them and to just walk away.
Hearing the words that you were never wanted is a big thing to hear.
It impacts you for the rest of your life.
I am very sensitive to being excluded.
That is probably the thing that hurts me more than anything.
Hearing the words, he wasnt your dad anyway...
Man, that hurts.
Hearing my bio mom say to me that she was beat by my dad when he found out she was pregnant, went right through me.
I realized something today.
Im tired of being rejected.
I realized something huge.
The more I was excluded, the more important it became to me to be included.
As soon as I sensed that I was being excluded, it instantly became important.
When I feel included, its not important.
When Im being rejected when everyone else is being included, it instantly becomes importnat. The more I have been rejected, the more important it became in my life to be included.
This has been a good thing to realize.
It is better not to care.
Then it doesnt hurt.
Dont make it importnant to be included.
There are people on this earth that all they know is bein included.
They dont understand the importance and they definitely do not know what it feels like to have your mom look at you and tell you that you are not wanted or loved.
That is somethign that hits you in the very core of who you are and you are just unable to shake it.
It stays with you forever.
That is a shame, but it is something that I have to tel myself that I have to let it go.
I just have to.
The more I feel excluded, the more I want to be included and I just cant let it happen anymore.
So, from this day on...Im not going to care anymore about that.
Im just not.
I cant.
It hurts too much and when the people around you do not realize how much it hurts everytime you are rejected....
When they cant see it in your eyes...
When they cant see that it is importnat to you to be a part...
Then why should you care.
It is easier not to care.
It is easier to just shut that part off.
It has taken me all this time to get to this, but finally...I dont care anymore.
Im done fighting for that.
I have spent my entire life fighting to get that.
I dont know why...but Im done.
Maybe I will stop feeling rejected.
If the people around me do not care that it hurts me, why should I?
So, now...I dont.
Im just not going to fight for this anymore.

Bellieve in Yourself!

Sunflower

My ma has the best garden. It is a haven of peace and rest. It is the place to go. In the garden are many colorful sunflowers. I have spent a lot of time there with her. It is a very peaceful place. They definitely have a gift in their very own yard.

Again...trying to make sense of...

I want to get back to who I was before all that crap happened to me.
I really dont know how.
Im not sure what the answers are.
Im not sure what im to do.
I dont know how i feel about anytihng anymore.
I want to make sense of stuff.
I probably wont be able to.
I mean, God didnt make us to have minds to understand everything.
If that were the case, we would be God...lol.
Actually, Im glad I dont understand everything.
Why cant I feel anything?
Why cant I attach to anything?
Why cant I feel like I did?
I have no idea.
I had so much progress in my life and i feel that with everythign that happened in the last few months, Im just this dish rag. I dont know whats up. I dont know how to make sense of anything.
My brother called today. He isnt my brother really. He really isnt by name either. He is my 'adopted dad's son. So what does that make us? nothing.
he wants to help with the funeral costs of a person that was supposed to be, 'mom.'...lol
that is funny.
but I do apprecaite that he wants to help.
I do apprecaiet that he wants to make sure that I know that Im not in this by myself. that he is in this with my from Chicago...
I guess I do apprecaie that. He doesnt have to help me.
He wasnt a part of his dad's funeral at all. He left the whole family until the last couple years and now he wants to help pay for his 'step-moms' funeral. He wanted nothign to do wiht her when she was alive. wierd. there is no making sense of it.
how can you make sense of a brother that you dont even know that wants to pay for his step moms funeral when he wasnt a part of her life at all, really. but now he wants to be. shes dead now. maybe this helps him feel better.
sometimes peopel want to do things from a distance to make them feel like they are doing something for real.
they dont really want to get their hands dirty, but they did something so that makes them feel better.
thats ok too if that is what he needs.
He was worried about me...lol.
he wants to know how i am cuz i went through so much.
Im fine i told him.
I mean, what do you say.
Waht do you really say?
Tim the funeral guy asked me yesterday how i was.
How am I?
I dont even know the answer to that.

None of this makes sense to me.

My sister who isnt my sister...my cousin...wanted to be a part of her life at the end.
but she was so abused by her.
why did she want to be a part?
I have no idea.
She is mad at me cuz i didnt tell her in time.
She didnt even know what to call her and she went back and forth from mom to aunt and said what do i call her?
I have no idea.
there is no making sense of it.

all i know is there is complete no identity in all of this.
if you really try to make sense of it, you come up with there was no family
and there was nothign but abuse and chaos and you just simply cant make sense of it.
I guess this makes me a terrible person, but Im angry.

I wish this coul dhave just been a straight funeral where the mom was just a mom. or the dad was just a dad.
but in situations like this, there just isnt.

someone asked me the other day if i had any other brothers and sisters.
out of anger, i just went, well lets see...
i have a brother that is the same bio mom and same bio dad. but i dont see him.
i have a half sister. same bio mom different dad and i dont see her.
im not in their family.
i was adopted out...they didnt want me...
now that is true.

then i had a brother who wasnt a brother from my adopted dads side...
but he didnt want to be a part of anything in our lives.
and then there was my sister who wasnt my sister. who was my cousin if i really ever was a part of this family to begin with...lol.

i told her the other day that im not in this family.
i gave up on all that the day she she was sent out of our lives.
i never claimed this family as mine again.
i dont know if that makes her feel better or not?
who knows.
I dont know what im going for there.

Then, when my 'adopted mom' was in the hospital, she has peopel getting stuff out so i cant see it cuz it is about getting rid of what was thought to be my sister when i was 11. but was given up into foster care.

there was no making sense of any of it.
all i am trying to do is figure this out and move on.

I guess there is no making sense of it.
Its ok.

i guess im allowed to be angry, but I hope htat God helps me to make sense of all this.
He probably even cant.
He probably is like Ann, I understand why you dont understand.

I heard a story today of this kid that was kept in captivity for a year and beaten, etc. and he had to jump a high wall in the back of his house and run into a fitness center with chains shackling his feet and asked for help.

the woman on tv said, all adults have failed this boy.
how does this kid know what to do.
these were foster parents cuz his parents abused him and he was in the system.

how does he make sense of that?
how do you make sense of being held captive?
how do yoy make sense of being abused to such great lengths and not knowing who your family is, who is safe, who isnt, who really wants you around. who doesnt. who is playing the game, who really wants to call you daughter, who really really really really loves you.
not just the words.
not just for a moment.
but really love you...as you.
to accept you for who you are all ALL that comes with you and not be ashamed of who you are.
cuz really, a person, like that kid, he will never be who he could have been as an adult. maybe he can, but when a person has so much trauma they just arent right.
you just arent.
and no matter how hard you try, you just arent right.
so you just have to hope and pray that people love you anyway.
that they love you in spite of.
that they love you no matter what
and claim you no matter what.
that they want you to be a part of.
that they want you to be theirs.

I hvae this family that i love so much as mine.
I really do.
I pray God that they really love me back as theirs.
I think so, sometimes.
Others Im not.
and I mean not from a distance kind of love life my 'brother' in chicago.
but i mean really love me no matter what

She is the first mom in my life that has really really loved me and wanted to really help me.
She has not wanted to hurt me in any way.
She really does seem to care.
She does thing with me that seems that she really wants the best for me.

I really hope so, God cuz I really want it.
I really do want to belong.

I really love them.
I guess sometimes that scares me becuase love is a risk.
and when you have been hurt a lot, love is a huge risk.

Well, Ive been willing to risk it all with them becuase I really do love them.

I guess, I will never make sense of all that happened and who the real players are and who they really are to me.
Im just not sure.
That is the most confusing part of it all.
Well...
Im not going to do it right now...

The real meaning of Christmas

I saw a news report yesterday that children around the country are telling Santa's that they want the basics of life. They want their moms and dads to stay together, they want their house back or thier dad's job back. They want their parents to be happy. They said on the report that the economic situation is very much affecting the psyche of our children. Stability is being taken from them and they are having to worry about things they should not have to worry about. Instead of asking for selfish 'toys,' they are asking for things that will keep their family together and their parents happy. That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. I do appreciate that they are not very materialistic. That is great! I wish my kids were more like that, but it shows the state of our country. It shows the state of our economy. There was another report that next Christmas, people are not going to be worrying about gifts under the tree, they are going to be worried about food on the table. They said that this year will be the second depression. I have no idea. I am not a fortune teller, but it really shows where our priorities need to be. Of course, I wasnt around during simpler times, but I have seen shows when families lived close together and they took care of one another. Family was priority. They lived off of the land and days of microwaves and fast food were not even around yet. Generations lived together and texting and email was somethign that generation probably wouldnt have even understood.
These generations are getting more and more distant. They are getting to the point where they are not even able to communicate. It used to be emailing. Now it is texting. People prefer to text than to actually talk on the phone or in person. Moms and dads are working both jobs and kids are put aside to raise themslves with the internet and TV. Obesity is rampant in today's kids bcuase parents allow food to be their comfort. It really is sad. I think the best thing is for our country to get back to what is importnat. Maybe getting back to basics isnt a bad thing. I dont want people to have to lose their income in order to get to that, but what if our country got back to the days of home cooking and closeness.
These generations are afraid of real closeness. The days of drive up-calling hours and work via living room satelites are soon approaching unless our country has a quick about face and gets back to the real things that matter.
Less kids might be in reahab and peopel may not want to hurt themselves to lessen the pain becuase there might actually be a human being there to hold them through difficult times. Kids are cutting now and find new highs every day. Maybe what they need is just someone in the flesh to love on them, show them attention, care. We are just too damn busy. Many adults need to stop their busy schedules and hug more. They need to sit around the table more and ask their kids questions. They need to be involved and know who their kids are talking to and what sites they are visiting on the internet. They need to know who is texting them and what is being text to them.
There are so many outside influences that are able to reach our kids than ever before and it is scary. You have to watch every little thing. You have to screen their emails and their myspace and facebooking accounts. You have to moniter their youtube watchign and make sure that they are not receiving emails from horny men that are saying they are 12 year old girls. It is so much tougher to raise kids today, but yet parents are less involved.
Kids want their parents to pay attention. They want their parents to get back to the basics when they are running over and killing Walmart clerks and grabbing for the last Xbox 360.
My generation, Generation X, has it all wrong. I pray the next generation gets it. I pray they hold on to the basics and get back to what Christmas was supposed to be about.

Christmas decorating

The house looks amazing! I love Christmas! It is truely a joyful time of year. Even if you are not doing well, it still brings joy. I was getting my hair done today and they played Christmas music the whole time. I told my hairdresser that I just cannot get into the Christmas mood yet. It has been hard. It is one of those things, like I said earlier, you just go through the emotions. That dear ol' phrase...Fake It til you Make it. Actually, with the house all Christmasy and knowing pretty much what Im getting everyone, it has brought me some real happiness. I know I dont show it and I have relized that for some reason I am just afriad or unable to show emotion and I am afraid to be happy for sure. but that doesnt mean that I dont want to. That doenst mean that i cant. I can. Some day, I will. I was getting close til i had the last few months that I have had. I will get back there again. I just need time. This is not easy, but God is stronger than this. I believe that. We have a beautiful manger scene up. I will have to take a picture and put it on here. It just brings the real meaning of Christmas to our house. We have so many decorations up. It is perfect.

Emotions/feelings

I absolutely do not feel good today. I think I am just completely emotionally exhausted and it is catching up to me. I am trying to stay busy and do things that will keep my kids happy and normal, but I am utterly exhausted and everything is an effort. Overall, I am enjoying, but I am just tired. Things are just extra hard right now. We spent the entire day with friends and shopping. Yesterday, we had 3 Thanksgivings and it was probably one of the best ones I have ever had. I am thankful, but yet I am angry at the same time. I try hard for no one to know, but I can tell by my inner self and how I am reacting to things on the inside where noone can see. I think I am angry at God. None of anything that has happened is His fault, but I am really having a hard time with Him right now. I still love Him. I still believe in Him as my Savior, but I am just upset right now and I think I am upset with Him. I know that is ok to do that. The Bible is full of real people being real with Him. He appreciates that. I am glad that He allows us to be real with Him. He wouldnt like me right now because I am just internally rejecting a lot of things that I wouldnt have rejected before. Mostly to do with anyone talking about Him. I really do not know what is going on becuase I really do not want to walk away from Him personally. I can just feel myself not wanting anything to do with anyone that wants to talk to me about God. Last night, I was asked to pray. I said no. I had the opportunity to say why I was thankful at one thanksgiving and I was asked to be the one to say grace at the other and I avoided both. I couldnt even tell anyone why. I cant make sense of why or how or what. I have no idea. I am thankful. I am blessed. All I can come up with is that I am angry. Very angry. and I dont know if I even have a right to be. I know if I sit down with God and tell Him what I think and feel, I might feel better. I had a friend that used to have a room with 2 chairs in it. That was it. She used to go in there and talk to God. Sometimes, she would even sit in His chair as if she were sitting in His lap. David was upset with God. He was real with Him. Job had some serious conversations with God. The people who were used greatly were real with Him. I know He wants us to be and I know that He allows room for anger and real emotion with Him. Maybe if I allwed myself to be real with Him, really real, then I could release some of this anger and some other things I am feeling. My problem is that I am afraid to show anything. I keep it all bottled in and I do not allow myself to release at all. I wish I could let others know how I feel. I wish I could release in healthy ways instead of unhealthy ways. It would be a lot bette for me and others around me. I pray that God helps me release these things. that He helps me to be real with myself, Him, and others. I hope that I am able to show emotion some day and really let some of this go. I think I would feel a lot better in all ways. I am just overly cautious and keep everything in. Most of the time, I have the same expression no matter what is going on and I want that to change. A lot of the times I do not even know how I feel on the inside and most of the time it is nothing. I want to be able to not just show emotion, but feel it so I can show it. Get in touch with my feelings and allow myself to make a connection that I never have. I would love to feel, connect that with actual expression and be normal in that area so I can be more human!
Maybe I would be able to be able to have a better relationship with those around me, including God.

Woodson

Woodson is my baby, too. I found her when she was a small puppy running down a busy street. Nobody claimed her so she became mine.

She turned out to be a big puppy...lol.

She is a big teddy bear. She is so sweet and loving!

Missy's new sweater

Missy and her new sweater!

She loves it!

She wagged and wagged her tail.

She looks so cute!

I choose to grab on!

Family.
Why does family have to be so complicated.
Holidays create so much confusion.
I choose to be happy. I choose to grasp on to the positive things in my world, today.
My cousin reminded me today how bad things were.
I know it.
I know that we went through it.
My sister does not believe in God because of it.
My cousin is not sure about a God either.
I choose to have a faith bigger than all of this.
I know there is pain on this earth.
I know that there is abuse...ha...I have witnessed it first hand, but I choose to believe in better!
I choose to be thankful this Thanksgiving!
I have people who truely love me today and I am thankful!
I have two peopel that love me like parents.
I have two great kids!
and I have a husband that loves me the best he can...lol.
He really is great!
He is so committed to making sure we are good financially and that is important.
I would love to know why God put certain people together.

There are seasons.
My cousin was at a very bad time in our lives.
We suffered greatly.
My sister suffered the most!
I hurt for her!
I wish I could have changed what happened to her.
I would have done anything to take her pain away.

I was a kid.
I was helpless.

I stayed angry at the adults who hurt her/us for her.
I chose to stay angry at those people because they hurt her.
I didnt care what they did to me.
I cared what they did to her.

I spent my whole childhood hoping she was ok after she was taken into foster system.
It was her choice to give her up to foster care.
Do you call someone a mom who doesnt want to be a mom?
Do you call someone mom who gives your sister away?

My cousin chooses not to call her 'mom' mom.
She calls them aunt and uncle.

My sister chooses to call who was her mom at one time, 'aunt.'

She asked me a couple weeks ago during her 'aunts' funeral, 'mom, aunt, whatever she was.'

I told her i know. I dont know what to call her either.

Identity is so important.
It is so important to feel included.
It is so importnat to feel like you are loved and their is a family that wants you in their mix.
Some place where you belong.
Some place you can call home.

Sometimes, the adults mess it up and they do not realize how much damage they are doing.

Then you grow up and you still have identity problems.
You still do not fit.
You spend your whole life looking and you still dont know where you belong.

It gets you into all kinds of problems because you think that you fit here or here and you go from one place to another not really planting your feet anywhere.

I feel for my cousin.
I feel for my sister.
I understand.

I am very thankful right now!
I really believe that I have a family who love me and that I belong.

My cousin still does not feel that.
My sister is in the absolute worst shape emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

She is lost.
My cousin is searching.

I believe.

I believe that there is love.
I believe in hope.
I believe in trusting again.
I believe that there is better.

I know that becuase I see glimpses of it.

I know that trusting in somethign better than this is risking to have better.

I know that trusting in God is a step toward healing.

I know that if I trust one more time that that just might be the right one.

Why give up?

God puts people in front of us to grab onto and be loved and love them.

I want that.

I want to grab onto this thanksgiving and be thankful!
I choose that!

I choose to be happy!

it is scary at times becuase of the risk.
becuase of the possible hurt.
but why not.

Hurt is something that is known well.

Love is something that is worth the risk for.

I have to believe in that.

I spent my childhood believing that there was better.
I wished on the stars believing that there was somethign better and I am seeing that.

sometimes I am afraid to be happy.
sometimes it is scary.

Love many times led to pain.
but it is still worth it because I have to believe that this time, it will be different.

I am willing to risk to have a family.
I am willing to risk to be loved.
I am willing to risk to be happy.

I have to trust in God.
What is the alternative?

I heard a story of a man who drowned and when he got to heaven he asked why?
God told him, "I sent you many life preservers, but you didnt grab on."

I choose to grab on!
I choose hope!
I choose love!
I choose God!

Day before Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The day that we sit around the table and give thanks.
I am thankful for a lot! I am thankful for my husband, my 2 kids, and my animals.
I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, for a place to put my stuff, for our bedroom,
for my kids bedroom, for a beautiful backyard and a peaceful setting.
Things have been rough! Very rough!
I wasnt sure, with my frame of mind, that i would be thankful for anything.
It comes down to the simple things.
The things that really matter.
I am thankful that I do have these people in my life that have chosen to act as parents for me.
I really appreciate that and they can be my mom and dad any day.
I am thankful that I have been invited to go to places for thanksgiving.
I am very thankful for friends! I have many! and they are good friends!
Not everyone has friends like I do and I have a lot of them.
They run the gammet of personalities too, but they are the nicest people and they would do anything for me.
Most of them I have had for so many years, I feel like we have grown up together.
We are all going through such rough times right now that really, we are just thankful for each other.
We are thankful for strength and God.
When life hits you hard, you really are thankful for just the smallest things in life.
Shauna, Kipp, Allyson, Carolyn, Julia, Amy Wong are 6 of the best friends a person could have.
I have many others, but these 6 are rock solid and I really appreciate them and thank God for them every day.
I do not know yet, what Im completely doing for Thanksgiving yet.
I could go to many places and I could just stay home.
Ive been in a wierd mood and Im not sure I want to take my wierd mood anywhere this Thanksgiving.
Im thankful just to stay home and be with my family, I think.
Steve got a pre-cooked Thanksgiving turkey...lol.
I have never made a turkey before.
I'm not great in the kitchen.
This will be the first time that we have to prepare a Thanksgiving dinner.
This should be funny.
Simple, but funny.
It shouldnt take long to cook...the turkey just needs heated.
I really do want to try new things in the kitchen, but I have yet to do that.
When life becomes normal again.
Whatever normal is...lol.
It is the day before Thanksgiving and it is time to reflect on what we are thankful for...

My best friend

This is my best friend in the whole world. This is Missy. She is with me through this and thin and loves me no matter what. She is happy to see me every time. She wags her tail and literally knows everything I feel. She is very perceptive. If I am upset, she comes right over to me to console me. If I am happy, she wags her tail and wants to play. She lays with me all night and she follows me all day, when I am home. She trust me and knows that I will take care of her. She lets me put her coat on when it snows out and she lets me take care of her when she is sick or has skin problems. She knows that I wont hurt and we have a great relationship. She is very special to me. The funniest thing that she does is carry her bowl everywhere she goes. She leaves a little food in her dog dish and if she follows me into another room, she picks it up wiht her mouth and just takes it with her...She is absolutely sent to me as a gift from God. God knew that I was going to be needing her through some tough times!

Peace again

It is November 25. The day of all days.
The day my dad died and the day she died too...well, the 25th...a month ago today.
It is really snowing.
The day my dad was buried, it rained. It rained and rained and I thought God was crying too.
He probably was.
He cries for us all the time.
When he looks down here, I am sure that He is not happy!...lol.
I told my 'mom' that she was getting out at a good time...lol.
She laughed.
When I was sitting in the hospital with her, we were watching the news.
We saw that a certain person may win the election.
We saw that the Dow was dropping considerably.
We saw the shape of our economy and this country and I knew that she was the lucky one...lol.
I know she is in a better place.
She is at peace now!
I hope!
A friend of mine who watched her suffer told me that she believed that she was at peace now.
For some reason, I know I showed that I didnt believe it and I said, "Really? You really think so?"
I guess that I still doubt that.
I guess that with the way she died that I have really struggled with if she is ok now.
I really didnt realize that until a friend of mine made it a point to let me know that she is ok right now.
I really do hope so. I really hope that she is more at peace than I am.

I normally am more at peace than I am now.

My daughters read my blogs and said to me that they are emo...lol.

I told them it is just where I am right now.
I know they are a lot about death, but it is just because this is what we are dealing with right at this moment.

Peace...
I would like to feel that again.

Normally with God there is peace.
I know that God is not behind the crap I have been feeling.
I know that He did not plant the uncertainties and the confusion that I feel today.

God is not the god of confusion.

So I pray that I feel a peace again.

I know I have a lot of questions for Him!

Really, most of it really comes down to choice.
I believe her suffering was a choice.
I believe that she held on for some reason.
She had to face some things.
She would not let go.

I do not know why.

My daughter, Kristi, told me that she was really struggling with her faith because the more we prayed for grandma not to suffer, the more she suffered.

I dont have the answers to that except that it was something she needed to deal with.
There was something inside herself that needed resolved.

In our finite minds, it is hard for us to understand the way God does.
We try to make sense of things only God can make sense of.

it is hard enough for us adults to understand things like that, let alone kids.

That was something that I know will stay with her and will affect her for quite awhile.

I just hope that it doesnt continue to hinder her walk with God.

We are all kind of wandering right now...hence the blog.

This is my way of trying to find my way back.

I want to understand.

I want to make sense.

I want to help my daughters make sense.

I want peace again.

My girls

This is my two girls. They are only 13 and 14. They are truly a godsend to me. I love them very much! Stacia, on the right, likes to write and draw. She is very creative...just like her mom. Kristi, is the reason I am going to go grey soon...lol. She is full of it, but she is a lot of fun! She gives me a hard time, bu that makes our relationship very strong. We make it no matter what! GRRRR...lol. As long as they follow what mom says...which is rarely. They really are great kids and they make life so much sweeter!!!

Running

A month ago, I was sitting in the hospital waiting for your last breath.

I have been with people who have passed away before, but I have never seen anything like this before.

I have asked myself so many times why you had to suffer so much.

We had so many people praying that your suffering come to an end.

You died at 12:45 a.m. on a Saturday...October 25.

It was about now that i saw first glimpses of what was about to happen.

They gave you more medicine.

You got worse.

They gave you even more.

You got worse.

Nothing they did worked.

The suffereing intensified by the second, it seemed.

Doctors were baffled for days.

Nurses did not know how to help.

They really did do everything they could to make your passing peaceful, but it was just not to be.

The best thing anyone said to me was a dear friend. He said, "Our death is a journey...just like our life. God will take us on the journey that we need to, to get us where we need to be, before we pass."

Wow!

How profound!

I really had never thought about that before, but that makes sense to me.

You struggled with so much on this earth, and you just didnt want to let go.

I hurt so bad because I would have done anything for you not to suffer so much. I really do not know why had it to go down the way it did.

I am so sorry that you had to suffer so much.

Nothing you did on this earth deserved for that to happen to you and frankly, it makes me angry!

Not at God.

Not at anyone....

Just angry.

I wish I had someone to direct it to, but i dont.

Since you died, Jim died. Im sure you already know that and others in my world are very sick.

I really am ok with death becuase I know where you are.

The suffering...

I just cannot make sense of the suffering.
I dont know if I ever will.

The only thing I can figure out is that you had something to work out in your own self before you passed away and you werent ready.
You held on way after your body was ready to go.

They said that your blood counts were inconceivable for human life.
You just hang on.
You refused to go.

I have never witnessed a death like that before.
i never in a million years thought you would go that way.
In fact, I really prayed, becuase I always wanted you to be ok.
I prayed that you died peacefully and without knowing you were sick.
i really did pray that.
I didnt want you to know that you were sick.
I wanted you to believe till your last breath that you had a life beyond that breath.
I wanted you hold on to the fun you had with your friends.
I wanted you to hold on to your bridge and all your volunteer activities.

I was disappointed in your friends.
More should have come to your calling hours and funeral.
I was surprised, really.
Others were too.
Some said they were going to make a stink at AARP for how few came from that group.

you still had a good turn out and you could tell that people really cared about you.

You made mistakes.
No doubt about it.
You made me angry.
I spent most of my time upset wiht you.
I was told not to have regrets.
but the person who told me that didnt have the same circumstances and we did.

I do have regrets.
I guess that doesnt help anyone.
I know it doesnt change a think.

Im not liking myself very much these days at all.
I really wish things could have been different.

Im not sure how...but...

The Unspoken

Do you know this is the first November 25 that you will not be here?

I never talked about it with you.
In fact, I walked away if you brought it up.
I refused to be in the room if you even talked about my dad.

I just walked away.
It is a word that you still will hardly hear out of my mouth.

We never talked about it, ubt it was something that we both had.

That is a day nobody else cares about.
It was only an unspoken between us.

Now you arent there either.

The Chair

I actually drove by the funeral home today to get my kids from school.

The very funeral home where my dad was and...

...the 'mom' who 'raised' me.

Anyway...

As I drove by, I noticed the chair that i sat in.
You can see it from the window.
The chair sits in the lobby looking into the room.

The ROOM!

The room where the dead body sits.

When you are a kid and you are looking into the ROOM--
all you see is the dead body.

I really did believe that he was breathing up and down.
I believed it!

I sat in that chair, almost the entire time watching him breathe.

I got out of the chair and tried to tell anyone who would listen...

"He's breathing," I would say.

It was like I was invisible.

Nobody would listen to me.

They would just shrug their shoulders and act like I was crazy.
Dont listen to the stupid kid.

"No, really. He is breathing. You made a mistake."

I went back to my chair and blamed myself for years for allowing him to be buried alive.
I couldnt figure out why anyone would want to bury him alive.

The dreams started that night.

As soon as I fell asleep, I saw him in the casket.
I was just staring at him.
He was breathing.
In...Out...In...Out...

While I watched him exhale, he raised straight up.
Turned his head and raised his hand.
All I could see was that he was holding a knife.

I would run and run in my dreams saying, "sorry, sorry, sorry."

He would chase me all over until I would wake up.

That would happen.

Night after night.

It got to the point that I was too afraid to fall asleep.

There is a tree and it sits alone. I very much see myself as that tree.
It sits in a picture, all by itself.
The picture is called Solitude.

On the bottom of the picture it says, Be Still and Know that I am God.

The moment I saw that picutre, I knew I had to have it.
It said everything to me.

That tree was me. I felt it. I knew it.
That was me all alone.

Be Still!
Nahh....lol.

That is probably what i need to do.
I am having a really rough time with that.

That tree spoke volumes.

As soon as I saw that chair.
That CHAIR!
I knew that TREE...
that lonesome TREE...
stood
all alone...
just like that chair...

just like me...

Now the chair...
that chair that sat in the lobby.

It actually had friends.
There were many lined up against the wall.
I know which one I sat in.

The thing I remember the most is nobody came to join me in any of the other chairs.
I sat and watched all the adults come in and out.

I begged one of my adult cousins to stay.

I really didnt want to be alone.

"Please dont go....Stay."

I would have done anything for her to just sit with me.

Funny...

That same cousin, she is 60 now...
She came to my 'mom's' calling hours at that same funeral home.

That same cousin.
That same funeral home.

This time...I didnt ask.

I wanted her to stay.
I wanted to talk to her...but you can only ask so many times.

Then you stop asking.

I call on God.

I pray to Him.

I do believe.

But a lot of times...I still feel like that kid sittin in that chair...just waiting for someone to sit with me.

Making sense of...

Back in the day, I created a book entitled The Sinful Woman. It was at a time in my life when I was deeply hurting and wanted to be loved and accepted from people in general, I guess, but mostly the church. I dont know why that was so important to me. I'm glad I wrote the book. It has helped a lot of people who are hurting and searching. It has helped those who have been rejected by those who look down on those who sin. In reality, we all sin. None of us are perfect, but I think some think that they are above the rest.

One month ago, I was sitting in a hospital, next to my mom who was dying. A person who i really never called mom to her face, but yet she was my 'mom.' She raised me I guess you could say. Im not sure how I feel about her, but now that she is gone, I really do miss her.

I have a lot of regrets, but that is not going to do me any good. The biggest regret I have is that I stayed angry at her my whole life. I did not deal wiht the anger and I did not have the relationship with her that I could have. I really am sorry about that. In a lot of ways, she was a great person. She helped a lot of people, was a great friend, and really cared. You cannot find many people like that.

There were just so many hurts from my childhood that really stood in the way from me having a relationship with her. When it came down to it though, I was loyal. I stood by her side through it all and I didnt want to leave her. She lived with my family and I wanted her to, mostly. I was angry about it, but yet I wanted her to stay. I pushed her away, but I wanted her to stay at the same time.

I wanted her to have a peaceful passing and I did not want anything to stand in the way of that. There were things that came up and I really didnt want anything to interfere. I kept people away if I knew that she would be hurt. I didnt want the mistakes of her past to haunt her in her last days and I was going to do everything I could to make sure that every wish of hers was granted. It was important to me! It was important to me becuase I knew that it was important to her.

I wish that were the case in most lives. I wish that people really did put other people first. I wish that people really did care. I knew what I had to do. I had to completely set everything aside in order to be there with her. I had to not allow any problems in our relationship to enter in.

We have great friends whose daughter walked away from the relationship allowing her mom to pass away without peace.

The thing that I tried with everything in me was to make sure that she had peace when she passed. The problem was, the more I tried, the more it didnt happen.

That was the worst death I have ever witnessed in my life and I have seen a few.

This was unreal. The pain that she endured was unthinkable.

She had leukemia.

She was only diagnosed with it in August and she died on October 25.

Almost one month ago.

Funny.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of her death and my dads.

He died on November 25.

I was only 11 years old.

I have never been able to face that death. Not ever.
It has hurt too much.
I loved my dad more than anything on this earth.
He was my biggest cheerleader in life.
He loved me!
and in a blink of an eye, he was gone.
In my childlike ways, I had no idea how to handle it and nobody tried to help me.

Days after his death, we went to the funeral...
the same funeral home where my 'mom' was. I call her mary really. That is how I have always referred to her. I do not want to disrepect her in her death at all. She really was a great woman in many respects!

I never went back to that funeral home, really. Once. but i was in and out very fast. Didnt want to deal with being there.

This time I had to stay there. I had to be in the very place where he was.

The place looked a little different.

Things were moved around.
They had renovated.
But for the most part, it was the same.

The chair was still there.

Im sure that it was not the same chair, but it looked the same.

I sat there when I was 11 years old and just stared at my dad breathing in and out.
I thought he was.
I told everyone I could, but nobody would listen.
He's breathing.
Nobody had explained to me that there is a thing called embalming.
That would have been nice to know.

I really believed he was still alive.
I dreamed that he was still alive underground and that he was going to come and get me for a year.
I woke up frantic from night terrors for a good year.
But I had to take care of my 'mom.'
She was too messed up to take care of herself.
I had to.
She did work and take care of the finances, but for some reason she was unable to handle emotional, every day, life.

She slept with me in my room.
She was unable to go in her room at all.
She had me do that if she needed something.
She had friends take everything out of her house and in the mean time...I was this kid.

My aunt told me that I had to take care of her.
After all, he wasnt my real dad anyway.
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention...
I was adopted.
So, he wasnt my REAL dad.
Whatever that means.

Yes, he did not donate the sperm, but as far as I was concerned...
He was DAD!
I loved him so much!
I looked forward to him coming home every day...