Emotions/feelings

I absolutely do not feel good today. I think I am just completely emotionally exhausted and it is catching up to me. I am trying to stay busy and do things that will keep my kids happy and normal, but I am utterly exhausted and everything is an effort. Overall, I am enjoying, but I am just tired. Things are just extra hard right now. We spent the entire day with friends and shopping. Yesterday, we had 3 Thanksgivings and it was probably one of the best ones I have ever had. I am thankful, but yet I am angry at the same time. I try hard for no one to know, but I can tell by my inner self and how I am reacting to things on the inside where noone can see. I think I am angry at God. None of anything that has happened is His fault, but I am really having a hard time with Him right now. I still love Him. I still believe in Him as my Savior, but I am just upset right now and I think I am upset with Him. I know that is ok to do that. The Bible is full of real people being real with Him. He appreciates that. I am glad that He allows us to be real with Him. He wouldnt like me right now because I am just internally rejecting a lot of things that I wouldnt have rejected before. Mostly to do with anyone talking about Him. I really do not know what is going on becuase I really do not want to walk away from Him personally. I can just feel myself not wanting anything to do with anyone that wants to talk to me about God. Last night, I was asked to pray. I said no. I had the opportunity to say why I was thankful at one thanksgiving and I was asked to be the one to say grace at the other and I avoided both. I couldnt even tell anyone why. I cant make sense of why or how or what. I have no idea. I am thankful. I am blessed. All I can come up with is that I am angry. Very angry. and I dont know if I even have a right to be. I know if I sit down with God and tell Him what I think and feel, I might feel better. I had a friend that used to have a room with 2 chairs in it. That was it. She used to go in there and talk to God. Sometimes, she would even sit in His chair as if she were sitting in His lap. David was upset with God. He was real with Him. Job had some serious conversations with God. The people who were used greatly were real with Him. I know He wants us to be and I know that He allows room for anger and real emotion with Him. Maybe if I allwed myself to be real with Him, really real, then I could release some of this anger and some other things I am feeling. My problem is that I am afraid to show anything. I keep it all bottled in and I do not allow myself to release at all. I wish I could let others know how I feel. I wish I could release in healthy ways instead of unhealthy ways. It would be a lot bette for me and others around me. I pray that God helps me release these things. that He helps me to be real with myself, Him, and others. I hope that I am able to show emotion some day and really let some of this go. I think I would feel a lot better in all ways. I am just overly cautious and keep everything in. Most of the time, I have the same expression no matter what is going on and I want that to change. A lot of the times I do not even know how I feel on the inside and most of the time it is nothing. I want to be able to not just show emotion, but feel it so I can show it. Get in touch with my feelings and allow myself to make a connection that I never have. I would love to feel, connect that with actual expression and be normal in that area so I can be more human!
Maybe I would be able to be able to have a better relationship with those around me, including God.