I choose to grab on!

Family.
Why does family have to be so complicated.
Holidays create so much confusion.
I choose to be happy. I choose to grasp on to the positive things in my world, today.
My cousin reminded me today how bad things were.
I know it.
I know that we went through it.
My sister does not believe in God because of it.
My cousin is not sure about a God either.
I choose to have a faith bigger than all of this.
I know there is pain on this earth.
I know that there is abuse...ha...I have witnessed it first hand, but I choose to believe in better!
I choose to be thankful this Thanksgiving!
I have people who truely love me today and I am thankful!
I have two peopel that love me like parents.
I have two great kids!
and I have a husband that loves me the best he can...lol.
He really is great!
He is so committed to making sure we are good financially and that is important.
I would love to know why God put certain people together.

There are seasons.
My cousin was at a very bad time in our lives.
We suffered greatly.
My sister suffered the most!
I hurt for her!
I wish I could have changed what happened to her.
I would have done anything to take her pain away.

I was a kid.
I was helpless.

I stayed angry at the adults who hurt her/us for her.
I chose to stay angry at those people because they hurt her.
I didnt care what they did to me.
I cared what they did to her.

I spent my whole childhood hoping she was ok after she was taken into foster system.
It was her choice to give her up to foster care.
Do you call someone a mom who doesnt want to be a mom?
Do you call someone mom who gives your sister away?

My cousin chooses not to call her 'mom' mom.
She calls them aunt and uncle.

My sister chooses to call who was her mom at one time, 'aunt.'

She asked me a couple weeks ago during her 'aunts' funeral, 'mom, aunt, whatever she was.'

I told her i know. I dont know what to call her either.

Identity is so important.
It is so important to feel included.
It is so importnat to feel like you are loved and their is a family that wants you in their mix.
Some place where you belong.
Some place you can call home.

Sometimes, the adults mess it up and they do not realize how much damage they are doing.

Then you grow up and you still have identity problems.
You still do not fit.
You spend your whole life looking and you still dont know where you belong.

It gets you into all kinds of problems because you think that you fit here or here and you go from one place to another not really planting your feet anywhere.

I feel for my cousin.
I feel for my sister.
I understand.

I am very thankful right now!
I really believe that I have a family who love me and that I belong.

My cousin still does not feel that.
My sister is in the absolute worst shape emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

She is lost.
My cousin is searching.

I believe.

I believe that there is love.
I believe in hope.
I believe in trusting again.
I believe that there is better.

I know that becuase I see glimpses of it.

I know that trusting in somethign better than this is risking to have better.

I know that trusting in God is a step toward healing.

I know that if I trust one more time that that just might be the right one.

Why give up?

God puts people in front of us to grab onto and be loved and love them.

I want that.

I want to grab onto this thanksgiving and be thankful!
I choose that!

I choose to be happy!

it is scary at times becuase of the risk.
becuase of the possible hurt.
but why not.

Hurt is something that is known well.

Love is something that is worth the risk for.

I have to believe in that.

I spent my childhood believing that there was better.
I wished on the stars believing that there was somethign better and I am seeing that.

sometimes I am afraid to be happy.
sometimes it is scary.

Love many times led to pain.
but it is still worth it because I have to believe that this time, it will be different.

I am willing to risk to have a family.
I am willing to risk to be loved.
I am willing to risk to be happy.

I have to trust in God.
What is the alternative?

I heard a story of a man who drowned and when he got to heaven he asked why?
God told him, "I sent you many life preservers, but you didnt grab on."

I choose to grab on!
I choose hope!
I choose love!
I choose God!