Peace again

It is November 25. The day of all days.
The day my dad died and the day she died too...well, the 25th...a month ago today.
It is really snowing.
The day my dad was buried, it rained. It rained and rained and I thought God was crying too.
He probably was.
He cries for us all the time.
When he looks down here, I am sure that He is not happy!...lol.
I told my 'mom' that she was getting out at a good time...lol.
She laughed.
When I was sitting in the hospital with her, we were watching the news.
We saw that a certain person may win the election.
We saw that the Dow was dropping considerably.
We saw the shape of our economy and this country and I knew that she was the lucky one...lol.
I know she is in a better place.
She is at peace now!
I hope!
A friend of mine who watched her suffer told me that she believed that she was at peace now.
For some reason, I know I showed that I didnt believe it and I said, "Really? You really think so?"
I guess that I still doubt that.
I guess that with the way she died that I have really struggled with if she is ok now.
I really didnt realize that until a friend of mine made it a point to let me know that she is ok right now.
I really do hope so. I really hope that she is more at peace than I am.

I normally am more at peace than I am now.

My daughters read my blogs and said to me that they are emo...lol.

I told them it is just where I am right now.
I know they are a lot about death, but it is just because this is what we are dealing with right at this moment.

Peace...
I would like to feel that again.

Normally with God there is peace.
I know that God is not behind the crap I have been feeling.
I know that He did not plant the uncertainties and the confusion that I feel today.

God is not the god of confusion.

So I pray that I feel a peace again.

I know I have a lot of questions for Him!

Really, most of it really comes down to choice.
I believe her suffering was a choice.
I believe that she held on for some reason.
She had to face some things.
She would not let go.

I do not know why.

My daughter, Kristi, told me that she was really struggling with her faith because the more we prayed for grandma not to suffer, the more she suffered.

I dont have the answers to that except that it was something she needed to deal with.
There was something inside herself that needed resolved.

In our finite minds, it is hard for us to understand the way God does.
We try to make sense of things only God can make sense of.

it is hard enough for us adults to understand things like that, let alone kids.

That was something that I know will stay with her and will affect her for quite awhile.

I just hope that it doesnt continue to hinder her walk with God.

We are all kind of wandering right now...hence the blog.

This is my way of trying to find my way back.

I want to understand.

I want to make sense.

I want to help my daughters make sense.

I want peace again.