The Chair

I actually drove by the funeral home today to get my kids from school.

The very funeral home where my dad was and...

...the 'mom' who 'raised' me.

Anyway...

As I drove by, I noticed the chair that i sat in.
You can see it from the window.
The chair sits in the lobby looking into the room.

The ROOM!

The room where the dead body sits.

When you are a kid and you are looking into the ROOM--
all you see is the dead body.

I really did believe that he was breathing up and down.
I believed it!

I sat in that chair, almost the entire time watching him breathe.

I got out of the chair and tried to tell anyone who would listen...

"He's breathing," I would say.

It was like I was invisible.

Nobody would listen to me.

They would just shrug their shoulders and act like I was crazy.
Dont listen to the stupid kid.

"No, really. He is breathing. You made a mistake."

I went back to my chair and blamed myself for years for allowing him to be buried alive.
I couldnt figure out why anyone would want to bury him alive.

The dreams started that night.

As soon as I fell asleep, I saw him in the casket.
I was just staring at him.
He was breathing.
In...Out...In...Out...

While I watched him exhale, he raised straight up.
Turned his head and raised his hand.
All I could see was that he was holding a knife.

I would run and run in my dreams saying, "sorry, sorry, sorry."

He would chase me all over until I would wake up.

That would happen.

Night after night.

It got to the point that I was too afraid to fall asleep.

There is a tree and it sits alone. I very much see myself as that tree.
It sits in a picture, all by itself.
The picture is called Solitude.

On the bottom of the picture it says, Be Still and Know that I am God.

The moment I saw that picutre, I knew I had to have it.
It said everything to me.

That tree was me. I felt it. I knew it.
That was me all alone.

Be Still!
Nahh....lol.

That is probably what i need to do.
I am having a really rough time with that.

That tree spoke volumes.

As soon as I saw that chair.
That CHAIR!
I knew that TREE...
that lonesome TREE...
stood
all alone...
just like that chair...

just like me...

Now the chair...
that chair that sat in the lobby.

It actually had friends.
There were many lined up against the wall.
I know which one I sat in.

The thing I remember the most is nobody came to join me in any of the other chairs.
I sat and watched all the adults come in and out.

I begged one of my adult cousins to stay.

I really didnt want to be alone.

"Please dont go....Stay."

I would have done anything for her to just sit with me.

Funny...

That same cousin, she is 60 now...
She came to my 'mom's' calling hours at that same funeral home.

That same cousin.
That same funeral home.

This time...I didnt ask.

I wanted her to stay.
I wanted to talk to her...but you can only ask so many times.

Then you stop asking.

I call on God.

I pray to Him.

I do believe.

But a lot of times...I still feel like that kid sittin in that chair...just waiting for someone to sit with me.