I was at my ma's the other day. She is basically a mom to me. She is great.
We were just sitting there and she was talking about genetics with people in her family.
She asked me if I was born with blue eyes.
I said yes, but I had no idea at all.
I really didnt know. I was like I guess that is something I should know or maybe it is somethign I wish somebody did know.
I just said yes cuz I was like, wow...I want to sound like I know like anyone would know about their genes.
I felt kind of left out of being able to contribute to the conversation so I started saying who I looked like in my bio family, etc.
I needed to feel important.
I needed to feel like I was a part of.
I had realized the last couple days that really wanting to be included just makes it hurt more when you arent.
I really have come to the conclusion not to want that because the more left out I felt, no matter how small, the more important it became to me to be included.
That is probably the most sensitive area in my life where I hurt the most.
When I feel left out, it hurts me deeper than anything does, I think.
It has to stem from being in foster homes as a baby and having so many confusing comments said to me regarding where I belong, or dont belong growing up.
I had completely lost my identity by the time I was 12.
I really had no idea where I fit and I had it in my mind that I didnt fit anywhere.
If anyone tried to get me to fit, it wasnt happening.
I have basically been the same ever since, but I have longed to fit at the same time.
I know it makes no sense at all.
I love my ma and butch a lot. I really have hoped and pray that they love me as their own.
I was at church today and we were turned to Matthew.
The thing that I saw more than anything else was who had who.
In the beginning of Matthew, it lists the whole family tree of Christ.
It is very clear that this person gave birth to this person.
This person had this person.
on and on and on.
They very much knew who they belonged to.
The scriptures make it very clear throughout the entire bible that this is a very importnat part to each character's person.
They always list who their parent was even if they are married.
They always list it all the way sometimes from the seed of Jessee, as they do with Christ.
It is so important to have belonged to someone, to be birthed from them.
They want to know who their mother and father was.
I just kept looking at it going who would I put?
If I had Ann there or I could have Sarah, my name given at birth, who would they put for my parents?
I had no clue.
I guess it could be Eleonor, but she doesnt want that part.
She has made it very clear.
I guess it could be mary, but right now I dont want to go there.
It could be others who played that role for a small part or in an abusive manner.
It could be my ma now.
Would she want that role like that?
Would she really want her name down as the person who was my mom?
I just wasnt sure about anything.
I sat there thinking, why cant things just be clean cut.
Why cant I just know.
I know, dont live in the past.
This isnt the past.
This is the now.
This is a who am I question.
This is a where do I belong question.
This is something I need to figure out because I guess I need to know where I fit.
I need to know where I really belong.
I need to know who God would put in that book if it were me.
Well, just wondering.
You want people in your life that just knows this stuff about you.
Yea, you were this big and were born at this time and had blue eyes, etc.
All I know is that I was a dry birth and was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
That is what my bio mom told me.
I guess that mean it hurts.
I had never heard of a dry birth, but I guess it means that the water broke way before or something and the baby was born dry?
i dont know.
I do know that I was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
I was watching this show called Celebrity REhab yesterday.
It is a show with all these past celebrities who are on drugs and this doctor helps get them clean.
Rod Stewart's son is one of the celebs in treatment.
He is a young guy who just totally has no sense of self.
He said that when he was 11 years old, he was told that he was a waste of egg and sperm and for the rest of his life, he has belived that he is a waste. He started to cry.
I simply said, I had that stuff said to me. I was told that I was never wanted and many other things.
So what do you do with it?
Do you let it go now?
Can you?
Can I?
Are these messages that are deep in the crevices in your brain unable to find their way out because it is sooo deep?
Is it possible to have so many positive messages that it counteracts all the negative?
I have no clue.
I hope so, but then you have to have people really telling you how important you are all the time.
I think you have to have a million I love you's to take away the one I hate you.
I think you ahve to have a million hugs to take away every hit.
Sometimes, Im not sure if the messages go away, but its worth a try.
I wanted it for this kid on celeb rehab?
I guess I wanted him to make it as much as I want to make it.
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