Again...trying to make sense of...

I want to get back to who I was before all that crap happened to me.
I really dont know how.
Im not sure what the answers are.
Im not sure what im to do.
I dont know how i feel about anytihng anymore.
I want to make sense of stuff.
I probably wont be able to.
I mean, God didnt make us to have minds to understand everything.
If that were the case, we would be God...lol.
Actually, Im glad I dont understand everything.
Why cant I feel anything?
Why cant I attach to anything?
Why cant I feel like I did?
I have no idea.
I had so much progress in my life and i feel that with everythign that happened in the last few months, Im just this dish rag. I dont know whats up. I dont know how to make sense of anything.
My brother called today. He isnt my brother really. He really isnt by name either. He is my 'adopted dad's son. So what does that make us? nothing.
he wants to help with the funeral costs of a person that was supposed to be, 'mom.'...lol
that is funny.
but I do apprecaite that he wants to help.
I do apprecaiet that he wants to make sure that I know that Im not in this by myself. that he is in this with my from Chicago...
I guess I do apprecaie that. He doesnt have to help me.
He wasnt a part of his dad's funeral at all. He left the whole family until the last couple years and now he wants to help pay for his 'step-moms' funeral. He wanted nothign to do wiht her when she was alive. wierd. there is no making sense of it.
how can you make sense of a brother that you dont even know that wants to pay for his step moms funeral when he wasnt a part of her life at all, really. but now he wants to be. shes dead now. maybe this helps him feel better.
sometimes peopel want to do things from a distance to make them feel like they are doing something for real.
they dont really want to get their hands dirty, but they did something so that makes them feel better.
thats ok too if that is what he needs.
He was worried about me...lol.
he wants to know how i am cuz i went through so much.
Im fine i told him.
I mean, what do you say.
Waht do you really say?
Tim the funeral guy asked me yesterday how i was.
How am I?
I dont even know the answer to that.

None of this makes sense to me.

My sister who isnt my sister...my cousin...wanted to be a part of her life at the end.
but she was so abused by her.
why did she want to be a part?
I have no idea.
She is mad at me cuz i didnt tell her in time.
She didnt even know what to call her and she went back and forth from mom to aunt and said what do i call her?
I have no idea.
there is no making sense of it.

all i know is there is complete no identity in all of this.
if you really try to make sense of it, you come up with there was no family
and there was nothign but abuse and chaos and you just simply cant make sense of it.
I guess this makes me a terrible person, but Im angry.

I wish this coul dhave just been a straight funeral where the mom was just a mom. or the dad was just a dad.
but in situations like this, there just isnt.

someone asked me the other day if i had any other brothers and sisters.
out of anger, i just went, well lets see...
i have a brother that is the same bio mom and same bio dad. but i dont see him.
i have a half sister. same bio mom different dad and i dont see her.
im not in their family.
i was adopted out...they didnt want me...
now that is true.

then i had a brother who wasnt a brother from my adopted dads side...
but he didnt want to be a part of anything in our lives.
and then there was my sister who wasnt my sister. who was my cousin if i really ever was a part of this family to begin with...lol.

i told her the other day that im not in this family.
i gave up on all that the day she she was sent out of our lives.
i never claimed this family as mine again.
i dont know if that makes her feel better or not?
who knows.
I dont know what im going for there.

Then, when my 'adopted mom' was in the hospital, she has peopel getting stuff out so i cant see it cuz it is about getting rid of what was thought to be my sister when i was 11. but was given up into foster care.

there was no making sense of any of it.
all i am trying to do is figure this out and move on.

I guess there is no making sense of it.
Its ok.

i guess im allowed to be angry, but I hope htat God helps me to make sense of all this.
He probably even cant.
He probably is like Ann, I understand why you dont understand.

I heard a story today of this kid that was kept in captivity for a year and beaten, etc. and he had to jump a high wall in the back of his house and run into a fitness center with chains shackling his feet and asked for help.

the woman on tv said, all adults have failed this boy.
how does this kid know what to do.
these were foster parents cuz his parents abused him and he was in the system.

how does he make sense of that?
how do you make sense of being held captive?
how do yoy make sense of being abused to such great lengths and not knowing who your family is, who is safe, who isnt, who really wants you around. who doesnt. who is playing the game, who really wants to call you daughter, who really really really really loves you.
not just the words.
not just for a moment.
but really love you...as you.
to accept you for who you are all ALL that comes with you and not be ashamed of who you are.
cuz really, a person, like that kid, he will never be who he could have been as an adult. maybe he can, but when a person has so much trauma they just arent right.
you just arent.
and no matter how hard you try, you just arent right.
so you just have to hope and pray that people love you anyway.
that they love you in spite of.
that they love you no matter what
and claim you no matter what.
that they want you to be a part of.
that they want you to be theirs.

I hvae this family that i love so much as mine.
I really do.
I pray God that they really love me back as theirs.
I think so, sometimes.
Others Im not.
and I mean not from a distance kind of love life my 'brother' in chicago.
but i mean really love me no matter what

She is the first mom in my life that has really really loved me and wanted to really help me.
She has not wanted to hurt me in any way.
She really does seem to care.
She does thing with me that seems that she really wants the best for me.

I really hope so, God cuz I really want it.
I really do want to belong.

I really love them.
I guess sometimes that scares me becuase love is a risk.
and when you have been hurt a lot, love is a huge risk.

Well, Ive been willing to risk it all with them becuase I really do love them.

I guess, I will never make sense of all that happened and who the real players are and who they really are to me.
Im just not sure.
That is the most confusing part of it all.
Well...
Im not going to do it right now...