hmmm!

There has been nothing more importnant to me, I think, thanbeing included.
I really think that has been the single most important thing to me.
I think it stems from just a history of hearing from my bio mo and others that I just wasnt a part of them and to just walk away.
Hearing the words that you were never wanted is a big thing to hear.
It impacts you for the rest of your life.
I am very sensitive to being excluded.
That is probably the thing that hurts me more than anything.
Hearing the words, he wasnt your dad anyway...
Man, that hurts.
Hearing my bio mom say to me that she was beat by my dad when he found out she was pregnant, went right through me.
I realized something today.
Im tired of being rejected.
I realized something huge.
The more I was excluded, the more important it became to me to be included.
As soon as I sensed that I was being excluded, it instantly became important.
When I feel included, its not important.
When Im being rejected when everyone else is being included, it instantly becomes importnat. The more I have been rejected, the more important it became in my life to be included.
This has been a good thing to realize.
It is better not to care.
Then it doesnt hurt.
Dont make it importnant to be included.
There are people on this earth that all they know is bein included.
They dont understand the importance and they definitely do not know what it feels like to have your mom look at you and tell you that you are not wanted or loved.
That is somethign that hits you in the very core of who you are and you are just unable to shake it.
It stays with you forever.
That is a shame, but it is something that I have to tel myself that I have to let it go.
I just have to.
The more I feel excluded, the more I want to be included and I just cant let it happen anymore.
So, from this day on...Im not going to care anymore about that.
Im just not.
I cant.
It hurts too much and when the people around you do not realize how much it hurts everytime you are rejected....
When they cant see it in your eyes...
When they cant see that it is importnat to you to be a part...
Then why should you care.
It is easier not to care.
It is easier to just shut that part off.
It has taken me all this time to get to this, but finally...I dont care anymore.
Im done fighting for that.
I have spent my entire life fighting to get that.
I dont know why...but Im done.
Maybe I will stop feeling rejected.
If the people around me do not care that it hurts me, why should I?
So, now...I dont.
Im just not going to fight for this anymore.