Running

A month ago, I was sitting in the hospital waiting for your last breath.

I have been with people who have passed away before, but I have never seen anything like this before.

I have asked myself so many times why you had to suffer so much.

We had so many people praying that your suffering come to an end.

You died at 12:45 a.m. on a Saturday...October 25.

It was about now that i saw first glimpses of what was about to happen.

They gave you more medicine.

You got worse.

They gave you even more.

You got worse.

Nothing they did worked.

The suffereing intensified by the second, it seemed.

Doctors were baffled for days.

Nurses did not know how to help.

They really did do everything they could to make your passing peaceful, but it was just not to be.

The best thing anyone said to me was a dear friend. He said, "Our death is a journey...just like our life. God will take us on the journey that we need to, to get us where we need to be, before we pass."

Wow!

How profound!

I really had never thought about that before, but that makes sense to me.

You struggled with so much on this earth, and you just didnt want to let go.

I hurt so bad because I would have done anything for you not to suffer so much. I really do not know why had it to go down the way it did.

I am so sorry that you had to suffer so much.

Nothing you did on this earth deserved for that to happen to you and frankly, it makes me angry!

Not at God.

Not at anyone....

Just angry.

I wish I had someone to direct it to, but i dont.

Since you died, Jim died. Im sure you already know that and others in my world are very sick.

I really am ok with death becuase I know where you are.

The suffering...

I just cannot make sense of the suffering.
I dont know if I ever will.

The only thing I can figure out is that you had something to work out in your own self before you passed away and you werent ready.
You held on way after your body was ready to go.

They said that your blood counts were inconceivable for human life.
You just hang on.
You refused to go.

I have never witnessed a death like that before.
i never in a million years thought you would go that way.
In fact, I really prayed, becuase I always wanted you to be ok.
I prayed that you died peacefully and without knowing you were sick.
i really did pray that.
I didnt want you to know that you were sick.
I wanted you to believe till your last breath that you had a life beyond that breath.
I wanted you hold on to the fun you had with your friends.
I wanted you to hold on to your bridge and all your volunteer activities.

I was disappointed in your friends.
More should have come to your calling hours and funeral.
I was surprised, really.
Others were too.
Some said they were going to make a stink at AARP for how few came from that group.

you still had a good turn out and you could tell that people really cared about you.

You made mistakes.
No doubt about it.
You made me angry.
I spent most of my time upset wiht you.
I was told not to have regrets.
but the person who told me that didnt have the same circumstances and we did.

I do have regrets.
I guess that doesnt help anyone.
I know it doesnt change a think.

Im not liking myself very much these days at all.
I really wish things could have been different.

Im not sure how...but...