Sunflower

My ma has the best garden. It is a haven of peace and rest. It is the place to go. In the garden are many colorful sunflowers. I have spent a lot of time there with her. It is a very peaceful place. They definitely have a gift in their very own yard.

Again...trying to make sense of...

I want to get back to who I was before all that crap happened to me.
I really dont know how.
Im not sure what the answers are.
Im not sure what im to do.
I dont know how i feel about anytihng anymore.
I want to make sense of stuff.
I probably wont be able to.
I mean, God didnt make us to have minds to understand everything.
If that were the case, we would be God...lol.
Actually, Im glad I dont understand everything.
Why cant I feel anything?
Why cant I attach to anything?
Why cant I feel like I did?
I have no idea.
I had so much progress in my life and i feel that with everythign that happened in the last few months, Im just this dish rag. I dont know whats up. I dont know how to make sense of anything.
My brother called today. He isnt my brother really. He really isnt by name either. He is my 'adopted dad's son. So what does that make us? nothing.
he wants to help with the funeral costs of a person that was supposed to be, 'mom.'...lol
that is funny.
but I do apprecaite that he wants to help.
I do apprecaiet that he wants to make sure that I know that Im not in this by myself. that he is in this with my from Chicago...
I guess I do apprecaie that. He doesnt have to help me.
He wasnt a part of his dad's funeral at all. He left the whole family until the last couple years and now he wants to help pay for his 'step-moms' funeral. He wanted nothign to do wiht her when she was alive. wierd. there is no making sense of it.
how can you make sense of a brother that you dont even know that wants to pay for his step moms funeral when he wasnt a part of her life at all, really. but now he wants to be. shes dead now. maybe this helps him feel better.
sometimes peopel want to do things from a distance to make them feel like they are doing something for real.
they dont really want to get their hands dirty, but they did something so that makes them feel better.
thats ok too if that is what he needs.
He was worried about me...lol.
he wants to know how i am cuz i went through so much.
Im fine i told him.
I mean, what do you say.
Waht do you really say?
Tim the funeral guy asked me yesterday how i was.
How am I?
I dont even know the answer to that.

None of this makes sense to me.

My sister who isnt my sister...my cousin...wanted to be a part of her life at the end.
but she was so abused by her.
why did she want to be a part?
I have no idea.
She is mad at me cuz i didnt tell her in time.
She didnt even know what to call her and she went back and forth from mom to aunt and said what do i call her?
I have no idea.
there is no making sense of it.

all i know is there is complete no identity in all of this.
if you really try to make sense of it, you come up with there was no family
and there was nothign but abuse and chaos and you just simply cant make sense of it.
I guess this makes me a terrible person, but Im angry.

I wish this coul dhave just been a straight funeral where the mom was just a mom. or the dad was just a dad.
but in situations like this, there just isnt.

someone asked me the other day if i had any other brothers and sisters.
out of anger, i just went, well lets see...
i have a brother that is the same bio mom and same bio dad. but i dont see him.
i have a half sister. same bio mom different dad and i dont see her.
im not in their family.
i was adopted out...they didnt want me...
now that is true.

then i had a brother who wasnt a brother from my adopted dads side...
but he didnt want to be a part of anything in our lives.
and then there was my sister who wasnt my sister. who was my cousin if i really ever was a part of this family to begin with...lol.

i told her the other day that im not in this family.
i gave up on all that the day she she was sent out of our lives.
i never claimed this family as mine again.
i dont know if that makes her feel better or not?
who knows.
I dont know what im going for there.

Then, when my 'adopted mom' was in the hospital, she has peopel getting stuff out so i cant see it cuz it is about getting rid of what was thought to be my sister when i was 11. but was given up into foster care.

there was no making sense of any of it.
all i am trying to do is figure this out and move on.

I guess there is no making sense of it.
Its ok.

i guess im allowed to be angry, but I hope htat God helps me to make sense of all this.
He probably even cant.
He probably is like Ann, I understand why you dont understand.

I heard a story today of this kid that was kept in captivity for a year and beaten, etc. and he had to jump a high wall in the back of his house and run into a fitness center with chains shackling his feet and asked for help.

the woman on tv said, all adults have failed this boy.
how does this kid know what to do.
these were foster parents cuz his parents abused him and he was in the system.

how does he make sense of that?
how do you make sense of being held captive?
how do yoy make sense of being abused to such great lengths and not knowing who your family is, who is safe, who isnt, who really wants you around. who doesnt. who is playing the game, who really wants to call you daughter, who really really really really loves you.
not just the words.
not just for a moment.
but really love you...as you.
to accept you for who you are all ALL that comes with you and not be ashamed of who you are.
cuz really, a person, like that kid, he will never be who he could have been as an adult. maybe he can, but when a person has so much trauma they just arent right.
you just arent.
and no matter how hard you try, you just arent right.
so you just have to hope and pray that people love you anyway.
that they love you in spite of.
that they love you no matter what
and claim you no matter what.
that they want you to be a part of.
that they want you to be theirs.

I hvae this family that i love so much as mine.
I really do.
I pray God that they really love me back as theirs.
I think so, sometimes.
Others Im not.
and I mean not from a distance kind of love life my 'brother' in chicago.
but i mean really love me no matter what

She is the first mom in my life that has really really loved me and wanted to really help me.
She has not wanted to hurt me in any way.
She really does seem to care.
She does thing with me that seems that she really wants the best for me.

I really hope so, God cuz I really want it.
I really do want to belong.

I really love them.
I guess sometimes that scares me becuase love is a risk.
and when you have been hurt a lot, love is a huge risk.

Well, Ive been willing to risk it all with them becuase I really do love them.

I guess, I will never make sense of all that happened and who the real players are and who they really are to me.
Im just not sure.
That is the most confusing part of it all.
Well...
Im not going to do it right now...

The real meaning of Christmas

I saw a news report yesterday that children around the country are telling Santa's that they want the basics of life. They want their moms and dads to stay together, they want their house back or thier dad's job back. They want their parents to be happy. They said on the report that the economic situation is very much affecting the psyche of our children. Stability is being taken from them and they are having to worry about things they should not have to worry about. Instead of asking for selfish 'toys,' they are asking for things that will keep their family together and their parents happy. That is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. I do appreciate that they are not very materialistic. That is great! I wish my kids were more like that, but it shows the state of our country. It shows the state of our economy. There was another report that next Christmas, people are not going to be worrying about gifts under the tree, they are going to be worried about food on the table. They said that this year will be the second depression. I have no idea. I am not a fortune teller, but it really shows where our priorities need to be. Of course, I wasnt around during simpler times, but I have seen shows when families lived close together and they took care of one another. Family was priority. They lived off of the land and days of microwaves and fast food were not even around yet. Generations lived together and texting and email was somethign that generation probably wouldnt have even understood.
These generations are getting more and more distant. They are getting to the point where they are not even able to communicate. It used to be emailing. Now it is texting. People prefer to text than to actually talk on the phone or in person. Moms and dads are working both jobs and kids are put aside to raise themslves with the internet and TV. Obesity is rampant in today's kids bcuase parents allow food to be their comfort. It really is sad. I think the best thing is for our country to get back to what is importnat. Maybe getting back to basics isnt a bad thing. I dont want people to have to lose their income in order to get to that, but what if our country got back to the days of home cooking and closeness.
These generations are afraid of real closeness. The days of drive up-calling hours and work via living room satelites are soon approaching unless our country has a quick about face and gets back to the real things that matter.
Less kids might be in reahab and peopel may not want to hurt themselves to lessen the pain becuase there might actually be a human being there to hold them through difficult times. Kids are cutting now and find new highs every day. Maybe what they need is just someone in the flesh to love on them, show them attention, care. We are just too damn busy. Many adults need to stop their busy schedules and hug more. They need to sit around the table more and ask their kids questions. They need to be involved and know who their kids are talking to and what sites they are visiting on the internet. They need to know who is texting them and what is being text to them.
There are so many outside influences that are able to reach our kids than ever before and it is scary. You have to watch every little thing. You have to screen their emails and their myspace and facebooking accounts. You have to moniter their youtube watchign and make sure that they are not receiving emails from horny men that are saying they are 12 year old girls. It is so much tougher to raise kids today, but yet parents are less involved.
Kids want their parents to pay attention. They want their parents to get back to the basics when they are running over and killing Walmart clerks and grabbing for the last Xbox 360.
My generation, Generation X, has it all wrong. I pray the next generation gets it. I pray they hold on to the basics and get back to what Christmas was supposed to be about.

Christmas decorating

The house looks amazing! I love Christmas! It is truely a joyful time of year. Even if you are not doing well, it still brings joy. I was getting my hair done today and they played Christmas music the whole time. I told my hairdresser that I just cannot get into the Christmas mood yet. It has been hard. It is one of those things, like I said earlier, you just go through the emotions. That dear ol' phrase...Fake It til you Make it. Actually, with the house all Christmasy and knowing pretty much what Im getting everyone, it has brought me some real happiness. I know I dont show it and I have relized that for some reason I am just afriad or unable to show emotion and I am afraid to be happy for sure. but that doesnt mean that I dont want to. That doenst mean that i cant. I can. Some day, I will. I was getting close til i had the last few months that I have had. I will get back there again. I just need time. This is not easy, but God is stronger than this. I believe that. We have a beautiful manger scene up. I will have to take a picture and put it on here. It just brings the real meaning of Christmas to our house. We have so many decorations up. It is perfect.

Emotions/feelings

I absolutely do not feel good today. I think I am just completely emotionally exhausted and it is catching up to me. I am trying to stay busy and do things that will keep my kids happy and normal, but I am utterly exhausted and everything is an effort. Overall, I am enjoying, but I am just tired. Things are just extra hard right now. We spent the entire day with friends and shopping. Yesterday, we had 3 Thanksgivings and it was probably one of the best ones I have ever had. I am thankful, but yet I am angry at the same time. I try hard for no one to know, but I can tell by my inner self and how I am reacting to things on the inside where noone can see. I think I am angry at God. None of anything that has happened is His fault, but I am really having a hard time with Him right now. I still love Him. I still believe in Him as my Savior, but I am just upset right now and I think I am upset with Him. I know that is ok to do that. The Bible is full of real people being real with Him. He appreciates that. I am glad that He allows us to be real with Him. He wouldnt like me right now because I am just internally rejecting a lot of things that I wouldnt have rejected before. Mostly to do with anyone talking about Him. I really do not know what is going on becuase I really do not want to walk away from Him personally. I can just feel myself not wanting anything to do with anyone that wants to talk to me about God. Last night, I was asked to pray. I said no. I had the opportunity to say why I was thankful at one thanksgiving and I was asked to be the one to say grace at the other and I avoided both. I couldnt even tell anyone why. I cant make sense of why or how or what. I have no idea. I am thankful. I am blessed. All I can come up with is that I am angry. Very angry. and I dont know if I even have a right to be. I know if I sit down with God and tell Him what I think and feel, I might feel better. I had a friend that used to have a room with 2 chairs in it. That was it. She used to go in there and talk to God. Sometimes, she would even sit in His chair as if she were sitting in His lap. David was upset with God. He was real with Him. Job had some serious conversations with God. The people who were used greatly were real with Him. I know He wants us to be and I know that He allows room for anger and real emotion with Him. Maybe if I allwed myself to be real with Him, really real, then I could release some of this anger and some other things I am feeling. My problem is that I am afraid to show anything. I keep it all bottled in and I do not allow myself to release at all. I wish I could let others know how I feel. I wish I could release in healthy ways instead of unhealthy ways. It would be a lot bette for me and others around me. I pray that God helps me release these things. that He helps me to be real with myself, Him, and others. I hope that I am able to show emotion some day and really let some of this go. I think I would feel a lot better in all ways. I am just overly cautious and keep everything in. Most of the time, I have the same expression no matter what is going on and I want that to change. A lot of the times I do not even know how I feel on the inside and most of the time it is nothing. I want to be able to not just show emotion, but feel it so I can show it. Get in touch with my feelings and allow myself to make a connection that I never have. I would love to feel, connect that with actual expression and be normal in that area so I can be more human!
Maybe I would be able to be able to have a better relationship with those around me, including God.

Woodson

Woodson is my baby, too. I found her when she was a small puppy running down a busy street. Nobody claimed her so she became mine.

She turned out to be a big puppy...lol.

She is a big teddy bear. She is so sweet and loving!

Missy's new sweater

Missy and her new sweater!

She loves it!

She wagged and wagged her tail.

She looks so cute!