This blog was written during a very rough time in my life. I was going through so much and I was trying to make sense of some things. The written word is the main way that I have of explaining what is going on in my world. It really helped to do this blog. I thought about getting rid of it, but then I thought I would keep it. I want to remember how much it hurt. I might need to write on it again. I'm all about being transparent. I dont mind if people see where I have hurt the most! The most important part about it is, I'm past it. Im not hurting like that anymore.
My focus in on writing. Right now, that is all I want to do. I want to make this writing career work past just writing for a newspaper. I want to finish my YA book and get on to other projects. I am very excited about it, actually!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
hmmmm part 2
I was at my ma's the other day. She is basically a mom to me. She is great.
We were just sitting there and she was talking about genetics with people in her family.
She asked me if I was born with blue eyes.
I said yes, but I had no idea at all.
I really didnt know. I was like I guess that is something I should know or maybe it is somethign I wish somebody did know.
I just said yes cuz I was like, wow...I want to sound like I know like anyone would know about their genes.
I felt kind of left out of being able to contribute to the conversation so I started saying who I looked like in my bio family, etc.
I needed to feel important.
I needed to feel like I was a part of.
I had realized the last couple days that really wanting to be included just makes it hurt more when you arent.
I really have come to the conclusion not to want that because the more left out I felt, no matter how small, the more important it became to me to be included.
That is probably the most sensitive area in my life where I hurt the most.
When I feel left out, it hurts me deeper than anything does, I think.
It has to stem from being in foster homes as a baby and having so many confusing comments said to me regarding where I belong, or dont belong growing up.
I had completely lost my identity by the time I was 12.
I really had no idea where I fit and I had it in my mind that I didnt fit anywhere.
If anyone tried to get me to fit, it wasnt happening.
I have basically been the same ever since, but I have longed to fit at the same time.
I know it makes no sense at all.
I love my ma and butch a lot. I really have hoped and pray that they love me as their own.
I was at church today and we were turned to Matthew.
The thing that I saw more than anything else was who had who.
In the beginning of Matthew, it lists the whole family tree of Christ.
It is very clear that this person gave birth to this person.
This person had this person.
on and on and on.
They very much knew who they belonged to.
The scriptures make it very clear throughout the entire bible that this is a very importnat part to each character's person.
They always list who their parent was even if they are married.
They always list it all the way sometimes from the seed of Jessee, as they do with Christ.
It is so important to have belonged to someone, to be birthed from them.
They want to know who their mother and father was.
I just kept looking at it going who would I put?
If I had Ann there or I could have Sarah, my name given at birth, who would they put for my parents?
I had no clue.
I guess it could be Eleonor, but she doesnt want that part.
She has made it very clear.
I guess it could be mary, but right now I dont want to go there.
It could be others who played that role for a small part or in an abusive manner.
It could be my ma now.
Would she want that role like that?
Would she really want her name down as the person who was my mom?
I just wasnt sure about anything.
I sat there thinking, why cant things just be clean cut.
Why cant I just know.
I know, dont live in the past.
This isnt the past.
This is the now.
This is a who am I question.
This is a where do I belong question.
This is something I need to figure out because I guess I need to know where I fit.
I need to know where I really belong.
I need to know who God would put in that book if it were me.
Well, just wondering.
You want people in your life that just knows this stuff about you.
Yea, you were this big and were born at this time and had blue eyes, etc.
All I know is that I was a dry birth and was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
That is what my bio mom told me.
I guess that mean it hurts.
I had never heard of a dry birth, but I guess it means that the water broke way before or something and the baby was born dry?
i dont know.
I do know that I was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
I was watching this show called Celebrity REhab yesterday.
It is a show with all these past celebrities who are on drugs and this doctor helps get them clean.
Rod Stewart's son is one of the celebs in treatment.
He is a young guy who just totally has no sense of self.
He said that when he was 11 years old, he was told that he was a waste of egg and sperm and for the rest of his life, he has belived that he is a waste. He started to cry.
I simply said, I had that stuff said to me. I was told that I was never wanted and many other things.
So what do you do with it?
Do you let it go now?
Can you?
Can I?
Are these messages that are deep in the crevices in your brain unable to find their way out because it is sooo deep?
Is it possible to have so many positive messages that it counteracts all the negative?
I have no clue.
I hope so, but then you have to have people really telling you how important you are all the time.
I think you have to have a million I love you's to take away the one I hate you.
I think you ahve to have a million hugs to take away every hit.
Sometimes, Im not sure if the messages go away, but its worth a try.
I wanted it for this kid on celeb rehab?
I guess I wanted him to make it as much as I want to make it.
We were just sitting there and she was talking about genetics with people in her family.
She asked me if I was born with blue eyes.
I said yes, but I had no idea at all.
I really didnt know. I was like I guess that is something I should know or maybe it is somethign I wish somebody did know.
I just said yes cuz I was like, wow...I want to sound like I know like anyone would know about their genes.
I felt kind of left out of being able to contribute to the conversation so I started saying who I looked like in my bio family, etc.
I needed to feel important.
I needed to feel like I was a part of.
I had realized the last couple days that really wanting to be included just makes it hurt more when you arent.
I really have come to the conclusion not to want that because the more left out I felt, no matter how small, the more important it became to me to be included.
That is probably the most sensitive area in my life where I hurt the most.
When I feel left out, it hurts me deeper than anything does, I think.
It has to stem from being in foster homes as a baby and having so many confusing comments said to me regarding where I belong, or dont belong growing up.
I had completely lost my identity by the time I was 12.
I really had no idea where I fit and I had it in my mind that I didnt fit anywhere.
If anyone tried to get me to fit, it wasnt happening.
I have basically been the same ever since, but I have longed to fit at the same time.
I know it makes no sense at all.
I love my ma and butch a lot. I really have hoped and pray that they love me as their own.
I was at church today and we were turned to Matthew.
The thing that I saw more than anything else was who had who.
In the beginning of Matthew, it lists the whole family tree of Christ.
It is very clear that this person gave birth to this person.
This person had this person.
on and on and on.
They very much knew who they belonged to.
The scriptures make it very clear throughout the entire bible that this is a very importnat part to each character's person.
They always list who their parent was even if they are married.
They always list it all the way sometimes from the seed of Jessee, as they do with Christ.
It is so important to have belonged to someone, to be birthed from them.
They want to know who their mother and father was.
I just kept looking at it going who would I put?
If I had Ann there or I could have Sarah, my name given at birth, who would they put for my parents?
I had no clue.
I guess it could be Eleonor, but she doesnt want that part.
She has made it very clear.
I guess it could be mary, but right now I dont want to go there.
It could be others who played that role for a small part or in an abusive manner.
It could be my ma now.
Would she want that role like that?
Would she really want her name down as the person who was my mom?
I just wasnt sure about anything.
I sat there thinking, why cant things just be clean cut.
Why cant I just know.
I know, dont live in the past.
This isnt the past.
This is the now.
This is a who am I question.
This is a where do I belong question.
This is something I need to figure out because I guess I need to know where I fit.
I need to know where I really belong.
I need to know who God would put in that book if it were me.
Well, just wondering.
You want people in your life that just knows this stuff about you.
Yea, you were this big and were born at this time and had blue eyes, etc.
All I know is that I was a dry birth and was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
That is what my bio mom told me.
I guess that mean it hurts.
I had never heard of a dry birth, but I guess it means that the water broke way before or something and the baby was born dry?
i dont know.
I do know that I was a pain in the ass from the beginning.
I was watching this show called Celebrity REhab yesterday.
It is a show with all these past celebrities who are on drugs and this doctor helps get them clean.
Rod Stewart's son is one of the celebs in treatment.
He is a young guy who just totally has no sense of self.
He said that when he was 11 years old, he was told that he was a waste of egg and sperm and for the rest of his life, he has belived that he is a waste. He started to cry.
I simply said, I had that stuff said to me. I was told that I was never wanted and many other things.
So what do you do with it?
Do you let it go now?
Can you?
Can I?
Are these messages that are deep in the crevices in your brain unable to find their way out because it is sooo deep?
Is it possible to have so many positive messages that it counteracts all the negative?
I have no clue.
I hope so, but then you have to have people really telling you how important you are all the time.
I think you have to have a million I love you's to take away the one I hate you.
I think you ahve to have a million hugs to take away every hit.
Sometimes, Im not sure if the messages go away, but its worth a try.
I wanted it for this kid on celeb rehab?
I guess I wanted him to make it as much as I want to make it.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
hmmm!
There has been nothing more importnant to me, I think, thanbeing included.
I really think that has been the single most important thing to me.
I think it stems from just a history of hearing from my bio mo and others that I just wasnt a part of them and to just walk away.
Hearing the words that you were never wanted is a big thing to hear.
It impacts you for the rest of your life.
I am very sensitive to being excluded.
That is probably the thing that hurts me more than anything.
Hearing the words, he wasnt your dad anyway...
Man, that hurts.
Hearing my bio mom say to me that she was beat by my dad when he found out she was pregnant, went right through me.
I realized something today.
Im tired of being rejected.
I realized something huge.
The more I was excluded, the more important it became to me to be included.
As soon as I sensed that I was being excluded, it instantly became important.
When I feel included, its not important.
When Im being rejected when everyone else is being included, it instantly becomes importnat. The more I have been rejected, the more important it became in my life to be included.
This has been a good thing to realize.
It is better not to care.
Then it doesnt hurt.
Dont make it importnant to be included.
There are people on this earth that all they know is bein included.
They dont understand the importance and they definitely do not know what it feels like to have your mom look at you and tell you that you are not wanted or loved.
That is somethign that hits you in the very core of who you are and you are just unable to shake it.
It stays with you forever.
That is a shame, but it is something that I have to tel myself that I have to let it go.
I just have to.
The more I feel excluded, the more I want to be included and I just cant let it happen anymore.
So, from this day on...Im not going to care anymore about that.
Im just not.
I cant.
It hurts too much and when the people around you do not realize how much it hurts everytime you are rejected....
When they cant see it in your eyes...
When they cant see that it is importnat to you to be a part...
Then why should you care.
It is easier not to care.
It is easier to just shut that part off.
It has taken me all this time to get to this, but finally...I dont care anymore.
Im done fighting for that.
I have spent my entire life fighting to get that.
I dont know why...but Im done.
Maybe I will stop feeling rejected.
If the people around me do not care that it hurts me, why should I?
So, now...I dont.
Im just not going to fight for this anymore.
I really think that has been the single most important thing to me.
I think it stems from just a history of hearing from my bio mo and others that I just wasnt a part of them and to just walk away.
Hearing the words that you were never wanted is a big thing to hear.
It impacts you for the rest of your life.
I am very sensitive to being excluded.
That is probably the thing that hurts me more than anything.
Hearing the words, he wasnt your dad anyway...
Man, that hurts.
Hearing my bio mom say to me that she was beat by my dad when he found out she was pregnant, went right through me.
I realized something today.
Im tired of being rejected.
I realized something huge.
The more I was excluded, the more important it became to me to be included.
As soon as I sensed that I was being excluded, it instantly became important.
When I feel included, its not important.
When Im being rejected when everyone else is being included, it instantly becomes importnat. The more I have been rejected, the more important it became in my life to be included.
This has been a good thing to realize.
It is better not to care.
Then it doesnt hurt.
Dont make it importnant to be included.
There are people on this earth that all they know is bein included.
They dont understand the importance and they definitely do not know what it feels like to have your mom look at you and tell you that you are not wanted or loved.
That is somethign that hits you in the very core of who you are and you are just unable to shake it.
It stays with you forever.
That is a shame, but it is something that I have to tel myself that I have to let it go.
I just have to.
The more I feel excluded, the more I want to be included and I just cant let it happen anymore.
So, from this day on...Im not going to care anymore about that.
Im just not.
I cant.
It hurts too much and when the people around you do not realize how much it hurts everytime you are rejected....
When they cant see it in your eyes...
When they cant see that it is importnat to you to be a part...
Then why should you care.
It is easier not to care.
It is easier to just shut that part off.
It has taken me all this time to get to this, but finally...I dont care anymore.
Im done fighting for that.
I have spent my entire life fighting to get that.
I dont know why...but Im done.
Maybe I will stop feeling rejected.
If the people around me do not care that it hurts me, why should I?
So, now...I dont.
Im just not going to fight for this anymore.
Friday, December 5, 2008
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